Week 10 Seeking to Understand

I couldn't imagine that 6 hours a week could make a significant difference in a marriage, but it truly can! Years ago, I heard that how you spend the first few minutes of greeting or departing from your spouse makes a greater impact than anything else in your relationship. The idea is that taking an interest in your spouse and being attentive when you see them at the end of the day can initiate affection and appreciation that builds trust and love. 

Dr. John Gottman suggests something very similar. According to Gottman, successful marriages spend about 6 hours a week in simple ways to strengthen and fortify their relationships. Here is what he says:

1. Partings. Make sure to know one thing that your spouse will be doing during the day before saying good-byes. I see this as a way of connecting and showing interest in their day.

2. Reunions. Hug and kiss when you greet each other. "The six-second kiss is worth coming home to." Also, spending twenty minutes each day engaged in conversation can reduce stress. 

3. Admiration and appreciation. Communicate word of appreciation and affection every day. 

4. Affection. Show physical affection during the day. A kiss at the end of the night can be a sign of letting go of any irritation or negative feelings that might have built up during the day. 

5. Weekly date. This is a great time to use the suggestions from earlier reading, using open ended questions in conversation in order to increase our love maps and to turn toward each other. 

6. State of the union meeting.  This is where it all comes together! Set aside time each week to discuss the things that went right as well as five things that you genuinely appreciated during the week. Move on to discuss any challenges, using soft start ups and listening with out defenses. This is my favorite part...

Ask, "What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?"

While these tasks are minimal in time, they offer great rewards!