Week 5 Repair with Humor

"I can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just 15 minutes." John Gottman, PH.D. 

It's no surprise that I found myself on the threshold of divorce. After beginning "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" I was immediately face-to-face with some of my favorite techniques in winning an argument. While I felt immediate shame for my past mistakes, Gottman points out that  couples will, in fact argue, however it is how they argue that creates distrust and negativity in the marriage. 

Here is what Gottman points out as the predictors:

1. Harsh Start Up

2. The Four Horsemen (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling)

3. Flooding 

4. Body Language 

What I prefer to focus on this week are The Four Horsemen. Remember when I said I had my favorites, these were them! They were easily interchangeable, especially in my attempt to find a way to get through to my husband.  While I did get through to him, it wasn't in the way that was productive or friendship building. 

In the process of rebuilding our marriage a couple of years ago,  we decided that we would focus on our children and reestablish our friendship. Our constant conflict and contention had a negative affect on our friendship and ability to find compassion and empathy. One quality that my husband has that I underappreciated was his attempt to repair with humor. While I thought that this was a diversion, I realize that it was a healthy way of diffusing and repairing any damage done. Just this morning, after being sleep deprived and cranky, I gave him an irritated response to a simple question. He looked right at me and said, "Did you have rattlesnake for breakfast?" and giggled. I laughed at his gentle response to my venomous tone.  

The fact that we could both laugh is an indicator that our friendship is being repaired.