Week 6 Love Maps

My husband and I are competitive, I mean extremely competitive. When we agreed to take the Love Maps Questionnaire and play the Questions Game in chapter 4 of John Gottman’s “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” there was excitement and anticipation since we would be scored according to our answers.

We settled down to discuss the process as well as the questions and quickly learned that the goal was not to “win” but to listen and learn something new from one another. We exchanged our ideas about friendships, hobbies, dreams, worries and family. Gottman describes love maps as the details of our spouse’s life that we remember. These details include significant events that might have occurred or something as simple as their likes and dislikes.

Something interesting happened when we realized that some of our ideas and interests had changed from the past. What we thought we knew, was not current. New worries arrived and old hobbies were exchanged for newer interests. We soon discovered that we had a lot to learn and this was to be an ongoing process.

“There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” -John Gottman

In the past I might have taken offense to my husband’s wrong answers and determine the exercise to be proof that he doesn’t know anything about me. Luckily this was not the case and I was willing to approach it differently. After all, he’s not a mind reader! While there was truth in his answers, I was able to update him with my current ideas. Then there was the one question that left us both stumped; “What is my fondest unrealized dream?” What seemed like an unanswerable question was an invitation to ponder and share possibilities.

Earlier times in our relationship, conversations were exciting as we were getting to know each other. We had lost that spark and the joy that comes with deep and meaningful conversation. This exercise proved that we both win when we take the time to know more about one another.