Week 7 Bids For Attention

Gottman describes "bids for attention" as ways that couples can turn toward each other rather than away. He says, "Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I've come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they're faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times."

I recognize this in my own marriage. There have been bids that have been missed by myself and my spouse because they were presented with a negative emotion; annoyance, anger, frustration, disappointment. While these emotions were very real, however in these times it became fuel to the fire if I reacted to the emotion instead of the need. One suggestion of responding might be to express what is really meant instead of the emotion associated with it. My husband is a very hard worker and this is something that I found attractive when we were dating and engaged. It was a quality that I had always desired in a husband and I thought I hit the jackpot! Years later, that same work ethic turned my heart bitter and resentful. My bids for his attention were often accusations of him not putting his family first. I realized through my efforts to get him to prioritize us more, that I was pushing him away with my anger. I tried something else and decided to tell him that when he is away, we miss him. I kept at this approach and realized the children picked up on the gentleness in the request to see him more. This softened his heart and has helped us to see the true nature of the what was requested instead of the heightened emotion that was presented. 

Gottman suggests that two obstacles prevent turning toward each other. The first being what I described as missing a bid because it is wrapped in anger or other negative emotions. The second is being distracted by the wired world. I have found that in my personal disappointment I have used my phone as a buffer to distract myself from my inability to connect with my husband. Gottman points out that "couples often ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice" and while I agree, it is very dangerous to live in these two cycles of avoidance. It can break down a marriage quickly and result in malicious behavior if not recognized.