Week 9 Managing Conflict

What if solving problems within a marriage only required being nice? It sounds almost too simple, doesn't it? John Gottman suggests that the manners that we would show to someone else, we often forget to use with our spouse. By using that same courtesy and consideration,  we can reestablish following these five simple steps, we can resolve conflicts that come up within our marriage: 

1. Soften your start-up

2. Learn to make and receive repari attempts. 

3. Soothe yourself and each other. 

4. Compromise

5. Process any grievances so that they don't linger. 

Starting at the very beginning of the list, I have decided to take personal inventory of my own history of start-ups with my husband. While I do well at not being harsh, I could use a little work at softening. Gottman share four parts to the best soft start-up: 1. "I share some responsibility for this..." 2.  Here's how I feel...3. about a specific situation and...4. here's what I need. (He suggests a positive need, not what you don't need(s). 

My biggest takeaway is that the initiation of talking about a problem should include include "I" instead of "You" when I express myself.

I have tried this in the last couple of weeks and I have found some successes! I have felt more confidence to be able to communicate with good intentions and confidence that I am being understood. For example, my husband works a lot...6 very full days a week. There is a lot of loneliness and extra burden on me for the family with him being gone. This is what I would consider a perpetual problem that gnaws at our relationship. While I could find justification in my negative emotions, I have attempted to use more "I" statements instead of accusatory "You" statements. When I feel overwhelmed, I could easily blame him and criticize him for working so much. Instead, I said to him that I miss him when he is gone and would love to spend time together; even if it means folding the mountain of laundry while catching up with each other after the kids are asleep.  Another time, I called to check in with him to see when he'd be home.  He was still running around trying to finish the day and shared the overwhelming list of things still needing his attention.  I told him to send me a text of the list of supplies he needed and I loaded the kids to purchase and then deliver them to a job site. I exchanged my disappointment for something that he could appreciate and told him, "I am willing to do what it takes for you to be home sooner." Overall, the harsh start-up has proven to be an unproductive distraction from what needs to be resolved. It was worth trying something different and testing it myself, especially since I want to improve the way that we solve our problems.